I met a girl in Frisco who said "Come on home with me."
"I want to introduce you to my surrogate family."
Well, they locked me in a room and put a guard upon the door.
If I hadn't feigned conversion, I'd still be there for sure.

"Join our merry fray", smiling faces laugh and say.
"Charismatic leaders preach." "Existentially they'll teach."
"So it's time you got in line and sterilized your mind
at the Church of the Cosmic Cookie."
"At the Church of the Cosmic Cookie."

I had a friend from high school with a journalistic bent
who had to get scoop or else just not pay the rent.
So he got the Cosmic story and the papers they did pay.
But he can't stop to spend it. They're still chasing him today.

Up north they've got a bunker, I mean a spiritual retreat.
Where they got more guns than Texas, which is really quite a feat.
There they teach the fine points to the missionary horde
They'll do what they have to, to speed you to the Lord.

Words and Music by JJ Jenkins and George Petersen
© 2003 JENPET Music International (ASCAP)